Written by a cat this ancient text of unknown origin details the traditional feline methodology of bag-wrangling a human into respecting you. The text begins: "..It is clear to us now that bags can be totally fun. But they are also suited for other purposes such as...

1. There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast. 2. I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic. 3. Never feed your cat anything that doesn't match the carpet. 4. Cat's motto: "No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look as if the dog did it." 5....