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Yes indeed. And it's very important to validate yourself by stopping that negativity, even if it means cutting off contact with such parents. It's not really possible to heal and rebuild self-esteem without doing that. Mustang Sally

Sally I was told this but I won't* I could use the word I *can't but I don't think that is exactly correct. I love them, even though they did all this. They didn't know any better and they thought they were doing their best. I am sure my dad was raised somewhat similarly. I find it hard to believe my mom was because I adored
my grandparents and I don't recall them ever saying a single thing negative to me. I do recall my dad's mom saying many negative things to me. She even
made me scared of horses. And other things. I do
know my mom put a stop to some of what she said.
I knew my grandmother didn't like me because I wasn't a boy.
And yes I will never heal if I don't do this. And yet they are old. I guess my healing will come in time. I can't/won't ignore them now. I just would have too much guilt over that.
One thing my SIL overheard my mom say one time
was "it is a parent's duty to make their child feel guilty". I can't imagine thinking like that.
So I guess I sort of over indulged my kids and such. Which I have come to realize was yet another form
of abuse/neglect.
Gwen
Yes indeed. And it's very important to validate yourself by stopping that negativity, even if it means cutting off contact with such parents. It's not really possible to heal and rebuild self-esteem without doing that. Mustang Sally

One other thing I forgot to mention they do on a regular basis is tell me they can't understand why my DH stays with me and how in the world he could "put up" with all my animals. They really act as though my animals are
some huge burden. And that by me having
them I am inflicting unnecessary inconviences
for my DH.
I wonder has it ever occurred to them if he didn't love them too, he wouldn't stayed around for 16 years.

Gwen
I can say from experience that the people I know or grew up with that were emotionally abused, either by parents or classmates, ended up a LOT more screwed up than the ones that were beaten or sexually abused.

It saddens me extremely to think that anyone growing up would have the opportunity to make this comparison.

Mary H. and the Ames National Zoo:
Raise A Fund, ANZ Babylon Ranger, ANZ MarmaDUKE, and Rotund Rhia
Yes indeed. And it's very important to validate yourself by ... to heal and rebuild self-esteem without doing that. Mustang Sally

Sally I was told this but I won't* I could use the word I *can't but I don't think that ... know any better and they thought they were doing their best. I am sure my dad was raised somewhat similarly.

That's often the case with abusive parents. Many/most sexual abusers were sexually abused themselves. That's an explanation of sorts, but it isn't an excuse. Someone has to stop the cycle.
I find it hard to believe my mom was because I adored my grandparents and I don't recall them ever ... my healing will come in time. I can't/won't ignore them now. I just would have too much guilt over that.

Do they still behave the same way, or have they changed? Could you at least set limits for them - - tell them "this is the way things have to be if you want to see me" - - something like that? Or call them on it when they say something negative/inappropriate.
One thing my SIL overheard my mom say one time was "it is a parent's duty to make their child feel guilty". I can't imagine thinking like that.

My friend's mother said to her grandmother, "you whipped me and now I'm whipping her". Verbally, in this case. But still.
So I guess I sort of over indulged my kids and such. Which I have come to realize was yet another form of abuse/neglect.

I don't think that over-indulging is abuse/neglect. Did you ignore them? Did you set limits for them? I think you were just reacting to the way you were raised by trying to do the opposite with your kids. It was the best you could do, because you didn't have any parenting role models.
Mustang Sally
Yes indeed. And it's very important to validate yourself by ... to heal and rebuild self-esteem without doing that. Mustang Sally

One other thing I forgot to mention they do on a regular basis is tell me they can't understand why my DH stays with me

That's a very hurtful thing to say. What does DH say when he hears that?
and how in the world he could "put up" with all my animals. They really act as though my animals ... wonder has it ever occurred to them if he didn't love them too, he wouldn't stayed around for 16 years.

It sounds as though a lot of things don't occur to them.

Mustang Sally
That's often the case with abusive parents. Many/most sexual abusers were sexually abused themselves. That's an explanation of sorts, but it isn't an excuse. Someone has to stop the cycle.

I agree the cycle needs to be stopped. I think I did OK with my son but my daughter I am afraid we had enough conflicts and I was also smothered by my parents to the extent to which I am not very affectionate physically. My daughter needed the cuddling. My son is like me
and really doesn't want that kind of cuddling and touching.
snipped more: And yes I will never heal if I ... now. I just would have too much guilt over that.

Do they still behave the same way, or have they changed? Could you at least set limits for them - ... you want to see me" - - something like that? Or call them on it when they say something negative/inappropriate.

Yes they do still do it as I posted in a follow up post. I have tried to call them on it. And fact I do. They always get extremely hurt feelings and claim I have over reacted. Which I am sure I have, as everyone here on rpdb
has witnessed first hand. I guess it is what
is called a "defense mechanism". It doesn't make
it right nor is it an excuse.
One thing my SIL overheard my mom say one time ... their child feel guilty". I can't imagine thinking like that.

My friend's mother said to her grandmother, "you whipped me and now I'm whipping her". Verbally, in this case. But still.

Yep.
So I guess I sort of over indulged my kids and such. Which I have come to realize was yet another form of abuse/neglect.

I don't think that over-indulging is abuse/neglect. Did you ignore them? Did you set limits for them? I think you ... with your kids. It was the best you could do, because you didn't have any parenting role models. Mustang Sally

No I didn' t ignore them. I don't think I set enough limits. You see my parents were very strict, very conservative and set so many limits it was unbelievable.
I did react to the way I was raised. And now I think my lack of cuddling, and loving to my daughter
has caused her to overindulge in that since with
grandson. I talked to her last night. She can't even leave the room without him having a fit. He has
to be with her 24/7 by the sound of it. He won't let her out of his sight. I didn't allow that, I demanded independence of my kids.
Gwen
One other thing I forgot to mention they do on a regular basis is tell me they can't understand why my DH stays with me

He has never heard them say it. It is always on the phone. It is basically them being angry I don't/can't come visit more often because I don't like leaving any of my animals. I tell him and he just rolls his eyes. And says that their problem.
That's a very hurtful thing to say. What does DH say when he hears that?

and how in the world he could "put up" with ... love them too, he wouldn't stayed around for 16 years.

It sounds as though a lot of things don't occur to them. Mustang Sally

Indeed. I feel sorry for them. I really don't think they know what they do. My SIL and I talk about it all the time.

They have been very hateful about my grandson born out of wedlock. They have forbidden that I tell any of my cousins. Vic says screw them. Well I have
told my one cousin and sent photos. I am sure
she has told the rest. My dad threatened to never
speak to me again if he ever finds out I have
told about Shauna and Cory to any family member.
Maybe I did the above in hopes that it would
be him that cut off the ties and not me?
Gwen
That sounds very much like me. I can't handle compliments as they always feel like they are going to be ... answer but I've been there done that and I couldn't follow through. So I know that this is my fault.[/nq]No, the fact that you feel that way is not your fault. However, following through is your responsibility. Nobody can do it for you, but it is well worth it if you can do it for yourself. If you have not had good luck with getting help, keep trying. Different therapists work better for different people and different life periods work better for therapy than others. After all my friend had been through, she was still able to make things a lot better for herself through the years.

It just kills me that is was not enough not soon enough to save her life. It doesn't matter whether you are "important" or not. If you are on this planet, you matter to someone. If for no other reason than to be there and be together for those you love (including a cute little grandbaby, right?), keep working on it. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for them until you can do it for you or even if you never can do it for you.

Paula
"The smell of burning rubber chickens and
singed roller-skating chimps will teach a man to hate." swt
If you are on this planet, you matter to someone. If for no other reason than to be there and ... it for them until you can do it for you or even if you never can do it for you.

I realize I matter to my DH, my son, my daughter my very close friends. It still it hard for me to believe at times.
Indeed the grandson. Though he is 10,000 miles away(Peth, Australia). I don't think I will ever have the time or to see him. Afterall I would need
to go for at least 3 weeks to make it worthwhile. And there is my animals I will not leave. I will not leave Blade with anyone. I guess at least I can say my daughter has taken action to break the "chain". Good for her!
It may sound like excuses but I sure don't have $2400.00 for RT fair for just me and I am not going to fly alone.
To send her would obviously cost double.
But it's OK I see photos and realize some day it will be.

Gwen
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