Most of you won't know me. I haven't posted here for probably over a year...my computer suffered a fatal crash and I never bothered to rejoin my newsgroups after it was fixed. But there might be a few who remember my Nic...my beautiful boy. I'm not sure why I'm posting this...I just need to, I guess.My Nic is a big gray and white DSH who I've had since kittenhood. I have many other cats...but Nic is my boy. He means more to me than all the world. At seven Nic was diagnosed with early stage renal failure. Until now that was the worst day of my life...including the day we lost our house in a freak fire. Someday he stayed strong and healthy for years. He's now somewhere over fifteen and it seems our grace period has ended. He has rapidly and horribly declined in a matter of weeks.

He went from 14lbs to under ten. His muscles have wasted. He sways when he walks. He won't eat. He vomits all the time. His levels are rising and his urine is as dilute as water...perfectly clear. Worst of all...he doesn't want me to touch him anymore. He spends all day hiding. Sometimes he just lays on the bed and cries at me and I can't figure out what he needs and it rips me apart inside.He's dying. I know he is. We just took blood on Friday and we'll have the results tomorrow. I'm trying to pretend that he also has diabetes or a thyroid issue...something compounding his kidney problems. Something we can fix. But I know. God help, I know. I know what the tests will say. And I know the battle isn't over yet...I realize he'll probably be anemic, so I'm preparing to try blood transfusions and such. But the people I love and who also care for him...they want this to stop.

They want the pills and the injections and the worry to stop. He has his good moments. He still wants to look out the window and lay on his cat tree. He still sleeps everynight with me. He still has an interest in the world. But he's stopped grooming himself, can't jump anywhere without help, and I know he's in pain. I just don't know how much pain he's in. I don't know if the pain is enough to invalidate those good moments. I know one day it will be...but I don't know if now is that day.

How the hell am I supposed to know? Should I kill him now, when he's still a little bit alive, when he still has light in his eyes? Or should I wait until the light is gone and he's down to 3lbs and can't walk?

If he would just respond to me...he wants to lay with you, but he doesn't want you to touch. He won't interact with the other cats, not even his Heather, who he loves. They used to spend hours grooming each other. They haven't even laid down together for a month.
I don't even know how to go about the final end...I work as a vet tech at a clinic with people I generally really like. Part of me wants one of them to come out to the house. Expect there are so many bad memories in this house already. But I don't want him to have to die scared because he hates going to the vet and knows it just means more blood tests, more pain. And another part of me doesn't want my own clinic involved at all.

It'll be so hard to go through with when people I have to see everyday are there. I'll feel like I have to hide my grief. So I'm considering having it done at a different clinic...but then they will be people Nic doesn't know at all. But it isn't as if he likes the doctors, even the ones he's been seeing for years, so...
And now he just got down off the bed and is eating on his own. God. People who say you should enjoy the time you have left with dying pets or people are being cruel. It is impossible to enjoy that time when every move seems so important, when every moment cuts you inside. I just look at him and cry all the time now. It hurts to touch him and feel his ribs and spine through his skin.
I'm sorry. I don't know what this is about. I just feel so alone right now. There are people here who love Nic...but no one has ever loved him as intensely and hard as I did. As I do.

Sethran
1 2 3 4 5
I'm sorry. I don't know what this is about. I just feel so alone right now. There are people here who love Nic...but no one has ever loved him as intensely and hard as I did. As I do. Sethran

It's about you needing to talk it out, feel it and try to understand it. You already know, in your head, what you need to do, so you're trying to help your heart get there.
I am so sorry this is happening for you and Nic. It is heartbreaking to lose such a beloved pet, for they are not only our pets, our family, but a part of us as well and they own our hearts.
Let him cross the rainbow bridge in your arms, you who has loved him truly and best for his whole life.
((hugs)) We'll be sending thoughts your way.
Hailey
Most of you won't know me. I haven't posted here for probably over a year...my computer suffered a fatal crash ... a few who remember my Nic...my beautiful boy. I'm not sure why I'm posting this...I just need to, I guess.

It helps to talk it out with people who understand. We love our cats as family, and they mean so much to us. I have to admit that the 3 worst days in my life are the days that I lost my 2 cats and my dog.

It is a very tough decision, and I know it is very hard for you. You'll know if this is the right time to let him go. And while i know it is hard not to feel guilty, try to let that go. I've made the decision for two and lost the other one in the middle of the night. It was a horrible death, truly the worst thing I have witnessed. Nothing like the peaceful goodbyes with the other two.
I have also found something that has really helped me with the grieving process. I make a binder full of pictures and stories. I write down all my memories and illustrate them with the pictures. Then, I can go back and look at it anytime. I am amazed at how many funny stories I wrote during my grief. It really helpedme to relive those good times.
With my last loss, the stray cat I only had for 2 weeks, I didn't have many stories, and only two pictures. So, I got a little treasure chest, and my sister painted it to look like him. His name was Jasper, so I now collect Jasper rocks and keep them in his treasure chest along with a few momentos of him.
Meghan & the Zoo Crew
Equine and Pet Photography
http://www.zoocrewphoto.com
Am sorry to hear about Nic. You are not alone.
Most of you won't know me. I haven't posted here for probably over a year...my computer suffered a fatal crash ... who love Nic...but no one has ever loved him as intensely and hard as I did. As I do. Sethran
My Nic is a big gray and white DSH who I've had since kittenhood. I have many other cats...but Nic ... kidney problems. Something we can fix. But I know. God help, I know. I know what the tests will say.

Should I kill him now, when he's still a little
bit alive, when he still has light in his eyes? Or should I wait until the light is gone and he's down to 3lbs and can't walk?

You mentioned later in your message that you work as a vet tech, and it sounds like you have a good working relationship with the clinic. It's time to have a long, heart-to-heart talk with the vets there (if you haven't already). However, I believe that it is kinder to euthanize once you reach the point where there is no quality of life for your beloved pet and no reasonable chance to enhance that quality of life. This is an incredibly difficult decision something that is truly traumatic to the caregiver. However, it is also a gift of love to spare the cat you love from living out his last few days or weeks in pain.
I don't even know how to go about the final end...I work as a vet tech at a clinic with ... one of them to come out to the house. Expect there are so many bad memories in this house already.

And another part of me doesn't want my own
clinic involved at all. It'll be so hard to go through with when people I have to see everyday are there. I'll feel like I have to hide my grief.

I think Nic would be much better off if you have a vet come to your home. He will be in his own environment and will not face the fear of a last trip to the dreaded TED (something that almost all pets seem to fear or dislike). If this is a good clinic (and it sounds like it is), they will understand your grief. Do this for Nic!
People who say you should enjoy the time you have left with dying pets or people are being cruel. It is impossible to enjoy that time when every move seems so important, when every moment cuts you inside.

No, they are not cruel. They simply don't understand, in much the same way that sometimes we can't find "the right words" when someone we love is faced with a terminal illness.
I held each of my cats when the day finally came to put them to sleep because I did not want them to be afraid. It was very difficult for me, but I considered that to be my "last gift of love" to them.

You have my deepest sympathy. Right now, you need to consider what is best for Nic and it is clear that that is what you are trying to do.

MaryL
I'm sorry. I don't know what this is about. I just feel so alone right now. There are people here who love Nic...but no one has ever loved him as intensely and hard as I did. As I do. Sethran

Yes, Sethran, I remember your posts well and remember Nic. I am so sorry.

Sherry
Aww, Seth, I'm so sorry to hear this. I know how much Nic means to you. I wish that somehow you could accept that ends are not evil, they are simply part of who we are, even though we hate them. Please, please post here as often as you need through this crisis. As bad as Nic feels, it seems you feel worse and I'm CERTAIN Nic does not want this. No kitty wants there friend to feel bad or they wouldn't be such wonderful companions in bad times, sticking by our side.

It doesn't make it easier, it doesn't make it feel right, but to know that Nic has had a long and loved life, so much more than many people or animals get in this world has to mean something in the world. This probably means nothing to you right now, or makes you even madder but it is the best advice I can give. My thoughts are with you.

Karen
If he is hiding, in pain, and has no quality life, I think it is time to put him to sleep. This is the greatest gift you can give him when he is suffering.
Gail
I'm sorry. I don't know what this is about. I just feel so alone right now. There are people here who love Nic...but no one has ever loved him as intensely and hard as I did. As I do. Sethran

Aw, see, you went and made me cry first thing in the morning...

I know this must be hard, and I don't really have any sage advice, but you guys are in my thoughts and prayers.

~kaeli~
The more ridiculous a belief system, the higher probability of its success.
http://www.ipwebdesign.net/wildAtHeart
http://www.ipwebdesign.net/kaelisSpace
Show more